How to Dress Like a Tourist
There comes a time in every New Yorker’s life when a non-New Yorker comes to visit. Inevitably, the non-New Yorker will ask the question that all New Yorkers dread:
Do I look like a tourist?
Why do the New York tourists fear looking like a tourist so much? I mean, besides the fact that we judge them.
Really, I think it’s high time for tourists to embrace their touristy nature: walk slowly and not in straight lines during rush hour, frequent the “hip” boutiques (like the Ugg store) and, of course, dress the part!
The first thing you’ll need as a NYC tourist is:
A Good-Quality Running Shoe
Mizuno ‘Wave Inspire 7′ Running Shoe – Nordstrom
NYC requires a LOT of walking, so who cares what’s on your feet, as long as you’re cozy?! A nice running shoe looks amazing with jeans. Plus, you never know when you’ll need to sprint away from the homeless. This is NYC, after all.
Because it’s winter, you’ll also need to make sure you’re bundled up, so be sure to bring your:
Winter Coat Designed for the Arctic Tundra
Listen, those wind tunnels are nasty; you never know when you’ll be blown over by the breath of Father Christmas himself. [Editor's note: this coat is probably not good enough, so perhaps try layering two]
A Fake Designer Scarf You Just Bought in Chinatown
Since it’s cold, be sure to wrap up in a fancy(ish) new scarf that you got in the back room on Canal St. or from the nice black garbage bag of a friendly street vendor. Never mind that New Yorkers can smell a fake designer ANYTHING a mile away, a faux Burberry scarf is generally the way to go.
The Largest Backpack You Can Find
When you’re out all day in NYC, you never know what you’ll need, so better safe than sorry. A backpack the size of your grown child will certainly hold your tissues, emergency snacks, four changes of clothes, awesome NY memorabilia and the fake purse you got on Canal St. No need for pesky stops at the hotel!
And, of course (perhaps most importantly), do not forget your:
Fanny Pack
For your backpack overflow. Go with a fancier style; you’re in NYC.
Happy sight-seeing!
Please note: We have nothing but love and respect for the tourists who bring millions of dollars of business to NYC each year. This post is intended as good-natured humor, just like how tourists poke fun at us for being so bitchy and aggressive (you do find that endearing, right??).
Hilarious post! I enjoyed every minute of it! I wish I’d had my mom read it before she came to visit in July. Loves Mama Pen but come on, the tourist dress is no bueno! Her daughter’s a fashion blogger for goodness sakes! lol. Again, loved the post.